Blogging is difficult.
I have eyebags that won’t go away!
Oh, I wish I could say it is all rainbows and roses, but that would be a lie. I have had to struggle with the past few entries, cried at the thought of writing one more post and felt like a failure when I couldn’t stick to my one-draft-a-day plan. Blogging is hard. The consistency of writing when life is inconsistent, when you feel shallow and weak and tired and when you cannot see the rewards no matter how far you try to look? This consistency is hard. And sometimes it makes you break down by 5 p.m wondering why you even try.
Blogging isn’t easy. I have eyebags that won’t go away! (Repeated for emphasis)
And it isn’t the big things that drive me crazy. It’s the little things—the fact-checking, setting up email marketing campaigns, the nitty-gritties of adding JavaScript to your site-wide headers to make sure a form actually works. Those are the things that keep me up at night, nursing a headache and second-guessing myself.
I’ve never been one to crave likes or claps. I appreciate those, of course, since they can—on surface level show that your work is widely appreciated—but I also understand that they are not a marker of your work’s value. Because of this, I am okay with zero likes (rejected the ‘like button’ option on this blog) and comments. Strangely, this is a two-edged sword, because with the crickets that keep my published posts company comes the feeling that I get away with being unmotivated and acting on it. The feeling that I don’t have to show up everyday because no one is looking forward to my posts anyway.
I had that thought today, while I fought to make a decision. I thought of a topic to write on, then imagined the research I’d have to conduct and I chose instead to read a novel. I had the thought again when I finished reading the novel and looked at the tempting books on my TBR pile. I thought ‘well, no one is expecting you to show up, anyway’.
And I almost gave in. I read the first few pages of In Every Mirror She’s Black by Lola Akinmade Akerstrom, before I pulled myself away and opened this laptop. Before I confessed to you that I find blogging to be difficult. To be a pain in the neck and a strange shock.
Wasn’t it supposed to be easy? I found a niche I actually like and it involves learning new things (another thing I like), so it should be a breeze. It should be like the common ‘follow your passion’ advice that tells us when we do just that, we’ll laugh our way to the bank or wherever our passions take us. I like writing, I like African fiction and I like reading, but for the life of me I do not like the process of writing these blog posts.
But then, I like the elation I feel when I learn something new, when I punch in that last full stop, when I read my published post and feel pride swell in me. Not the kind that walks right before a fall—the kind that says, with a bemused smile, ‘that was me. I wrote that.’
I like the feeling of sticking to my Saturdays and Tuesdays. I like knowing that I can make a decision and see it through despite how tough it gets. That I might actually do this blogging thing for a long time without falling off, without quitting. I like that I can confidently say ‘blogging is HARD!!!!’ but still have the grit to keep going despite it.
So, I’m showing up today because I want this track record and this elation. I’m showing up today because today is Tuesday which means publishing day, which means ‘duck you’ to inconsistency and ‘yes, I won’.
